there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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