you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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