I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
