EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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