i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
