Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
