i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
