Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
