Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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