she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize