so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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