you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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