I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
