Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
