I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize