Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
