everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
