also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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