She is in my trunk
Pants 0. Shit 1.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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