so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
