i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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