Our room will be decorated with my urine.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
