The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
