You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
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