she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
