in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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