I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
