I wanna bring you to show and tell
dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Randomize
