Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
