I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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