I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
