I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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