So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
