she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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