i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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