talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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