I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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