So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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