Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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