Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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