You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
