Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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