he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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