Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
