we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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