I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
