i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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