He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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