At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
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