I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
