Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
