last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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