gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
