Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Randomize
