Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
