Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize