i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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