My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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