I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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